Of the Heart and of the Mind. Three point one four one five nine.
Thursday, April 08, 2004
So I was freaking out this morning. I woke up this morning 8 minutes before my alarm was to go off at 8 am, feeling rested and had that got-so-much-to-do-today-have-to-get-going feeling. But then... I started feeling nervous. "Don't go." It took a little while but I figured out I didn't want to go... somewhere, but I couldn't quite figure out where. To MA? To the con? On the plane? To work? The anxiety feelings I had for much of February were coming back in full force. Then I realized I was scared. But of what?
I prayed because I was scared, asked God to protect my home and belongings, figuring my problem might be my homebody-security_blanket-attachment issue I had developed during last year.
I felt better, well more secure anyways, and I took a few little things that felt like they would help. But that one small part of me, the "We know better" part, kept thinking that if I was feeling this much about something than there was something bad to be worried about. The rational logical part of my mind was saying "Just because you have some pre-cog abilities doesn't mean you're right. Plus, it's usually Dreams that are pre-cog. You're just being paranoid. Don't worry, you prayed, and things felt better." Of course I realize now that I had felt better about some of the stuff I was worried about, not about what was actually wrong because I didn't know what that might be.
In the car as I was driving into work I really starting freaking out. I tried calling Jim, hoping that he hadn't left for MA yet eventhough I knew it wasn't at all likely he was still around. Answering machine, as expected. He had called me yesterday, worried about me because Emily had gone home that morning. And then I thought maybe this was me dealing with that loss, I usually have delayed emotional reactions. It doesn't help that both Emily and him, my only close friends outside of MA, aren't here now.
I thought about calling the psychiatrist once I got to work and could look up the number, as she said if I had an emergency to call and we could schedule a session sooner than my supposed final check-up one. So then I started thinking about stuff to try and keep me as calm as possible until I got to work. Getting to the part of the highway that's under construction and so I was driving partly on the shoulder for a while took more than half my concentration and so that helped for a bit. Then I was out of that, and started thinking about the plane today. Sometimes I think about stuff and what might go wrong and how I could help and/or keep people safe. So I was thinking about if the plane for some reason no longer had a pilot, what would I do, and thought about three different situations. And since I was driving on the freeway my mind went to landing the plane on a freeway, and I started thinking a lot about that senario, about calling on the radio and saying that whatever freeway was below us had best be shut down right quick, and circling a few times to both give the police time to shut the freeway down and to find the longest straightest part to land on, and then I saw on overpass while I was driving and thought about that being a potential issue, and that led to how I'd have the passengers move all their carry-on luggage to the front of the plane for balance and have them all move to the back for safety (as the further you are from the cockpit the greater your chances of survival), but which of course meant my chances as the person landing the plane were pretty bad especially in the case of an over pass and I wondered if I would sat seated trying to keep the plane straight and slow it down as I watched one coming or if I'd wait as long as I felt I could before turning the chair around (when vehicles come to fast stops people inside get 'thrown forward' and so having the chair backwards would mean I'd only get pushed into it and not into controls or out the window) and curling up. At which point I noticed a big green sign that said the next freeway was coming up, which meant I had missed my exit for work. Bah.
After I got to the lot, I stayed in the car for a good song that had come on just as I was getting out because I felt I needed to sing a bit. Finally I dragged myself out and into the building. I was thinking, both earlier and at that point, wondering if anyone at work, specifically Managers, would notice I'd been crying, a part of me hoping the would, a part of my believing they wouldn't, for they hadn't before. I wondered if they'd at least notice my change in attitude, and if so might possibly venture a "Are you okay?" or "How are you?" and I was thinking today, unlike most times in Feb., I would answer "I don't know".
I get into the office, and Allison says - with a tone that didn't sound good, actually now that I think about it, it sounded sad - Bob (the CEO) wants to talk to me. I turn and he's walking over, and he's got this look on his face, a look I've seen before, which I now realize is the Bad News look. But at that moment the one small irrational emotional part of me took Allison's tone and Bob's look and jumped to "Laid off".... My eternally hopeful side and the one small part of my mind that had rational control left said "They like you too much here" and I clung to that to keep me together.
Guess what Bob said.... He said Bryan died.
It's so selfish of me, but I'm upset because I didn't get to say goodbye. It's bad of me because I hadn't even gone to see him on my own time. But Raquel said she was making up a schedule for office people to go visit/spend time/help Bryan in the coming weeks (months?), and I figured I'd do that. Then I was thinking do I really want to? I'm not all that close to Bryan, I wanted to be his friend and still do- did, but I wasn't sure he'd be comfortable. I wasn't sure *I'd* be comfortable. And so I wasn't sure I was going to do it. Ideally I still thought I would. But would I be okay seeing him in the state he would be? Flashes of seeing my Nana in the hospital, not cool stuff. She had looked like a *completely* different person.... So I wasn't sure, but I like to think I would have pulled myself together for at least one visit to Bryan. But I didn't get the chance, and I hadn't done it on my own motivation.... Stupid stupid stupid
So now I just hope this is what I was freaking about this morning.